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Thursday, 15 January 2009

An Anal Gift

Word for the day : Confabulation

pronounced: \kun-fab-yuh-LAY-shun\

meaning: 1 : familiar talk or conversation
2 : a filling in of gaps in memory by fabrication


Disclaimer- the post below is going to gross some people out, please kindly stop reading here if your sensibilities are easily offended, thank you.

I need your take on something people, a very good male friend of mine told me recently that there are three things a woman can do for her man (more like let her man do), that are guaranteed to have him eating out of her palm.

They are:

a) swallow his semen when he climaxes during oral sex
b) arrange a threesome for his pleasure
c) allow anal sex

Now, all I require are very honest opinions on these three things.

This is a little gross, forgive me:

I tried to "shit" (pardon my french) three days ago and it proved extremely difficult AND painful for no reason I can explain now, I almost cried. The point of this grossness is that even two days after that, my rectum hurt no end everytime I sat on my toilet!

This little incidence got me to thinking how on earth anal sex could be anything pleasurable! believe me, I'm all for satisfying your man BUT I think I'd draw a line at anything that would leave me fasting out of the fear that eating would ultimately make me go to the toilet which would be my worst nightmare AFTER performing anal sex to make my man happy!

I've always wondered how gay men cope.

Ahem... as per threesomes, I think that while it is very okay to share, I would draw a line at sharing my man! pls do not tell me that I wouldn't mind this if I was very confident in my whatever.

Swallowing is not such a bad idea. Overall, it is the one thing I can imagine doing. So I score 1/3.

MEN, please give your honest opinions here. Is this true? would you do anything for your woman because of the above three?

WOMEN, anyone who has done IT, please assuage my fears if it isn't as bad as my toilet experience three days ago...lol. Would you allow it? if you wont say, it's okay.

71 comments:

FFF said...

am first!!!!!!

Smaragd said...

yes u are! lol

FFF said...

or maybe not. dis approaval thing!

my answer: i've never done any of d three 'must-dos'. am too particular abt hygiene to swallow anything dat dat isn't a recognised food or drink. if his love is therefore hung on dat, no thank u very much. a threesome isn't happening n my lifetime! hell no. not my man. den 4 d anal, uh-uh. no rear entrance 4 me. my front entrance is tight enough dat sometimes it hurts. if i tried it, i won't walk 4 a year

LG said...

hmmm' na wao
i don see fff(pass mark )
where afro?????????? :-

FFF said...

u sef try oh, madam. so, did u get any pleasure 4rm d act while he was at it?

Smaragd said...

FFF, thanx for being both first and candid. lol @ threesome not happening in ur lifetime! the rear entrance thing will definitely cripple me for a year.

LG, no come do waka-pass here, lailai! leave afro alone and answer. oya pls...lol

FFF, me try kini? the shit i talked about was "poo-poo" ! i'd better go and correct my post now now!

doll said...

I don’t think its true that u have to do any of d three to show or prove luv…infact anybody that wants me to do it out of my own free…receives sack letter immediately…for me all 3 is a NO NO NO

Jaguda said...

im happy receiving number 3, dont care for number 1 or 2

Jaguda said...

hehehehehehehe

MissLove said...

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
well: I am being honest:

I am out for pleasing my man and I love being a naughty girl in bed, i havent tried anal.but i've 'heard' it gives pleasure... even with sex, some virgins hurt so i ''assume'' it is the same thing but with time one will get used to it... I cant let them fuck my ass sha... whats that lol he should be gay oh! oh my gosh once i thought anal was normal sex lol so used to go on about saying i havent done anal!!! im sure people think im crazy lol
lol@ fff i wont walk 4 a yr!

as for oral sex ah ahn...if i like wat he does to me why shouldnt i give him... anyway...all these acts do not sum up 'love'

MissLove said...

as 4 threesome! hiss...the thought of me and a girl with my man is cool ( p.s. i am not a lesbian oh and for all u holinesses leave me! she said i should be honest! lol)although it is a thought! on 2nd thought! ewwwwwwww!!!!!!!! ewwwwwwww ewwwwwwwwwwwwww! ok maybe two guys lol but why would my guy want another guy lol!

Shubby Doo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
FFF said...

lol. sorry smaragd 4 dat assumption. well, u ddnt say d word shit, & since wot ever u were talking abt involved d end bumbum, i just tot it had to be d dick. lmao.so sorry, love

but really, if any chick has had anal sex i want to know if they enjoyed it.

Uzezi said...

not all guys want those three things ur friend said we have to do, to get the guy do anything for us. how can someone's love be based on whether i swallow his yogurt or not. lol

not only threesome? will the third person be a guy or a girl? im sure he would never agree to another guy.

ibiluv said...

Pardon my french

that guy is an arse...(dont tell anyone i said so)

do u like salt.......try 2 shots of very salty yoghurt........if you can swallow that without wincing....cum is fyne

swallow cum??.....Ibi says no

its not icecream...its not yoghurt either

threesome....some sins God will not forgive us for....in my opinion a threesome is one of them.....so Ibi says no...even in another life i say NO...........

anal sex.......sweets-you didnt have enough water thats why your poop was that hard....i used to do that to myself...sometimes i'll see red...yes o....i go tear my ass hole then i bleed and i'm uncomfortable till it heals...moi and water are best friends now......so if shit can do such damage why would i let a phallus in dia.....i dont own a prostrate so i doubt anal sex will be enjoyable......i hear people who do anal eventually have trouble controlling shit....i no ready to join them.....Ibi says no to anal.........

Afrobabe said...

Afro dey oh...alas a bit late...lol..well, I am almost first!!!

Hmmm...me, I cant allow any man go near my anus oh...if it becomes a leaky problem he will drop me pronto so no need to experiment!!

Threesome, naaaaaa...what if he now likes her more than me???

Swallow semen...I actually feel like throwing up just thinking about it...and I dont care if its Idris Alba's sperm...I aint doing it!!!!

badderchic said...

In my opinion

Let she who can anal-anal away, let we who have a tough time bombing in the toilet guard our exit regions jealously.

Let the man who claims it is love that makes me swallow his spunk feel free to swallow my urine? eeew. just dont say it is an exhibition of love, if I can handle your biz I can, otherwise....

The threesome, me and an Eva Longoria no long tin, Im down like cables otherwise if you don't mind a Denzel Washington joining us, s'all good but for Petes sake don't use some kin rubbish psychology and say "if you love me you will do it." haba. My @ cents

Shubby Doo said...

my advice is don't start what you cannot continue for the rest of your relationship...as my mother says 'start as you mean to go on'

i honestly do not think i could see myself doing any of these 3 things for the rest of my married life...

besides it is about give and take... if he loves you he wouldn't want you to do something distressing like anal, swallowing cum or having sex with somebody else...that is if you find it distressing...

Temite said...

errr let us see - Esmeralda ehn? wetin kind question be this?
Temite being honest -
1. I will spit the stuff back unto his face and then smack all his teeth out of his mouth. Nonsense.
2. Over my dead body. Me i no dey share anything not to talk about my MAN.
3. God will forbid BAD thing! Anal what! Your silly African ass should be happy that I allow you enter front entrance and you dey talk back entrance - God will punish you for your wickdeness. NEVER! LMBAO!
I guess my Man is never going to know that I LUFF HIM! HEHEHE!
As per your problem - you need to cut down on rice and eat wheat and general roughage coupled with lots of Water and you should be FOINE!

NigerianDramaQueen said...

Lol@ your #2 experience...it may have been cuz u ate too much sugar..lol

Threesome's is where I draw the line. No freaking way am I allowing that to happen!!!

mizchif said...

Ok, first about swallowing, my esophagus is allergic to jizz, so no swallowing if i can help it.

2ndly, the menage....hmmm...dunno...lets just say the thought doesn't gross me out, so maybe....

Finally, ANAL!!! You would have to kill me first! 'Nuff said!

Just...Toluwa said...

its funny cos i told myself that the three things u mentioned wld be on the thing i wld tell a guy trying to toast me that i wld neva do!

I cant imagine anything going in my ass*! it was made for one thing only!

Swallowing makes me gag!

and I AINT sharing!

besides i believe other things i do are enuff to keep my man!

and btw, guys who like anal shld ask themselves if they wld like sumtin stuck up their ass! i think it proves gay tendencies if they like to stick it up sumone elses ass, cos it cld as well be a guys ass!

LusciousRon said...

I agree with you on the anal issue, having a hard 'shit' is traumatising enough without a turgid member destroying the anus.

I had to ask a male friend of mine, if guys would really like that. his responses:
1: he doesn't like it he finds it disgusting.

2: The guy may pretend he doesn't want it but may actually like it.

3: No way in hell!

My responses:
1: I am not swallowing no matter what. I would gag which would be unsightly.

2: Would I be kissing another girl? How would the guy see me after I have done all that?

3: Absofuckinglutely NO! Pardon my language.

Afrobabe said...

On second tots after reading badder chic's comment...if its Eva Longoria or Jessica Alba as a partner in the threesome I dey game!!!

OluwaDee said...

I really don't want my man eating out of her palm.

3some ke, 4 why now.

If u can swallow, good 4 you.

Anal sex; penetrating the cunts is hard enough...

Smaragd said...

thanx ladies for your very honest contribution o, at least now i know i'm not the only one. even my talk of swallowing is probably bravery...lol

and all you Jessica Alba and Eva Longoria loving babes, goodluck with that. no sirree!

please where are the men? is Jaguda the only man in blogsville?

*in singsong voice*
"come out, come out wherever you are"

Jaguda said...

my bad o,i meant i wouldnt mind if my woman gave me option a. lol

Jarrai said...

Anal: Nothing in this world will make me agree..makes my eyes water just thinking about it!

Threesome: hell no..am way too jealous.

Swallowing: this one i can't...just too squimmesh

Anything else goes!!!

aloted said...

nawa o..am sorry but i think that ur friend should get his head checked out..he is sick..or was he joking..i hope so...

sorry but thats just my humble opinion

lol @temite's response...

ablackjamesbond said...

It 's amazing how thwarted and depraved some people's concept of love is.

If a guy wants to see his cum swallowed, experience ménage à trois and fuck some arse[excuse my french], then let hm just say so. Equating that with love is just plain silly, selfish and manipulative.

My take.

fantasy queen said...

the topic got me....gift indeed!
if i'm given an ultimatum for anal sex, then i'll tell him to 'do me i do you'
he'll have to let me get a vibrator and stick up his arse first till the battery dies before i can let him bend me over.....

even then, i dont think i would want to get my arse holed>

fantasy queen said...

plus after watching the movie jenifa....even jenifa refused anal...why should i agree to it?

i've heard stories of adults swaggering about with pampers storing their licks...yuck!

Smaragd said...

BLACK007, finally another man. first off, i have to say that my friend didnt say these are terms for love o, he said a girl would have her man do anything for her if she did any of these things.
thanx for your contribution though...lol, u sound vexed o baba baby (how is Jomiloju by the way?).

that said, your blog is beginning to reaalllly annoy me o, i have been unable to post comments forever! which kain? lol

Freaksho said...

a quick one.
there is nothing you'll do that will have a man eating outta ur hand.not anal sex, upside-down-sex in zero gravity or sex on a merry-go-round.
doing 'stuff' is because ur either being curious or freaky. and while there's nothing wong with freaky (if you can handle it) dont expect miracles.

Marjoram said...

loving your blog.

FineBoy Agbero said...

Someone don lie to you o! Norrin can make a man love you except... love itself, of course!

Performin' acts to win approval, or to make him "eat out of ur hands" is synonymous to a slave seekin approval from his master.

Come on, no kill yaself jo!

rethots said...

Hmmm....

Sting said...

God forbid bad thing to anal sex. That's one thing that i am prepared to live the rest of my life without trying.

I remember one time when i was like 4-5 yrs old, and i was constipated, there's this leaf that is supposed to make u go but they have to stick it up ur butt. My auntie tried to do that to me, and i remember screaming that she wanted to kill me. That shit was painful. Of course i ran away before she fully got it in. LOL....

It's funny now, but it wasn't funny then. Oh lord!

As for having a threesome, i don't like to share so i'll not be doing that for any reason neither will i be swallowing any semen.

Parakeet said...

You see what I found these days with men is that they try to blackmail us women into believing it is our duty to either do anything to get them or to keep them. Bollocks 10 times over. A man who wants you to do that doesn't care deeply down for you. You're just something he wants to use for his sexual gratification. I cant even vouch that a man who appreciates his woman only because of a threesome and some kinky sex act will be a good husband who will be faithful amongst other things.

What I believe is that in the heat of the moment one could let down her guard and do stuff but it has to come freely and from within not with the sole purpose of keeping the man.

Isi said...

if u aint comfortable with it. don't do it.

happy new year babes!

miz-cynic said...

iv swalowed cum.wnt b doin it again,3som. yea but 2 guys.anal-no.no.

Nine said...

Freaksho got it right in one.Don't expect miracles.

Threesomes-Nah.Not up to that kind of multi-tasking.Plus I don't share.Prevents misunderstandings down the road.

Anal-I have it on good authority that a lot of KY jelly is used.And apparently a fair number of people enjoy it,though the numbers are skewed towards the male.It's supposed to be really popular in Latin America though;according to some estimates,60% of people in Brazil have tried it :)

More statistics http://www.analsexyes.com/statistics.shtml

Swallowing-I really don't see how it makes a difference one way or the other.

As for your toilet experience,you need to drink a lot more water.Plus,go to the toilet more often:)

Ms.O said...

Number one- I think I can do. not sure tho..is it really that gross?

Number 2..Hellzzzz to the NO! Ms O dont share!

Number 3... Are you kidding me? HELLZ TO THE NO. So shit go dey leak from my buttocks..NEVA! lol( excuse my french)

Guys are funny tho!

bArOquE said...

fianlly i'm here
let me reiterate what some ppl have said, there's nothing that a woman can do to make a man 'eat of your palm'
...i dont think i'm interested in anyone swallowing my spunk, but please, IF I COME, dont spit it on the bed
...i've done a 3som b4, (jus had to say.LOL) but NEVER will i do it with my significant other, unless maybe its her idea, & with a chic i've been wanting (no guy's gonna be touching her)
...anal? not on my girl...if she can let me do anal, then i might as well be able to fuck a man (just a lil mind conditioning)

StandTall-The Activist said...

The 3 things on your list is a no no for me. If swallowing of seme is not repulsive to some women, well they might enjoy it but the remaining 2? Agrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

no point being with a man who doesnt eat off the palm of your hand lol
I have swallowed in the past, not because he asked me to but because i wanted to,
sex should not be about 'norms' it should be about what you are comfortable with and willing to do without being coerced. As long as your man knows that no to certain things means NO and not maybe then you are all good. I havent dome anal yet and dont intend to but Im freaky and verrrrrrrry open minded, i will try almost anything at least once, so that three some ........

~Sirius~ said...

ROTFLMAO!

These comments are cracking me up, Statistics show that there are hardly any so called "Freaky People"...LOL.

I mean, what does one get out of being shared all in the name of a freaky 3some session.....Don't subscribe to this at all.

As for swallowing (better be drunk) if you can't swallow salty yourghut- As Ibi describes it.
Besides what do they enjoy in this one, you're probably the one to end up with an itchy throat.

And for the *gift......As FFF says the front is bad enough. From what I know, you'll probably feel like taking a S@*T! - And That's faaaaar from Pleasure.

Sorry about your toilet experience- I heard a lot of water helps.

Jaja said...

who have u been listening to this girl! '

Yewande Atanda said...

I can only do 1 out of 3; the swallowing of semen. I've not tried any sha.

Sugabelly said...

swallowed... yes
anal.. he wanted it, i flat out refused
threesome yes.. lots of fun. i think i even had more fun than he did. ;)

Sugabelly said...

And swallowing isn't that bad.. just don't let it get on your teeth. The sensation is very hard to get rid of. Smaragd, something else you should add to the list is 'tossing your guy's salad' or annilingus... ;)

guerreiranigeriana said...

...uh, dunno about your friend...he seems to have a very limited view on how men function...men leave their women for a variety of reasons, even the ones who swallow, do anal and regularly arrange threesomes...if that is all he cares about, i would be concerned anyway...if he loves you, he loves you...i don't think i want my man eating out of my hands anyway...what sort of spineless, soft fool is he?...he'll just be answering my every whim?...God forbid o!...not everything i ask i need...

...as for the three things suggested, to each their own...1) ...i've heard cum is a good source of protein...but it is rather salty...i usually pass on swallowing...2) ...way too jealous...not interested in sharing my man...thanks...and besides, the double standard inherent in this (two women and one man...men look at you crazy if you suggest two guys and a babe) disgust me...pass...3) ...i've heard too that the anus has a lot of nerves and is highly sensitive...my gay friends have told me how they have to prepare in advance for anal sex so as to be 'ready' to receive penetration...i'll pass...my stuff is pretty tight and i do my kegels (both during and before sex) just in case, to make sure its even tighter...i'd rather have reconstructive surgery to make my vagina tighter than anal...the thought just doesn't excite me...

guerreiranigeriana said...

...i think some folks have already said it, it should be done, whatever it is, because you want to, not because of some manipulative motives...

Afrobabe said...

lmao @ Broque's answer...not on ur bed huh...lmao

Buttercup said...

i also get a score of 1/3..swallowing isnt soooo bad..

Mista Jaycee said...

Just stopping by but...
as A Man, One I'm very possessive of my Wife and when I was single My Woman and I ain't sharing! No! Bad Idea! Matter of Fact, WFIE (Worst F**** idea Ever!) sex is not just physical, it is a spiritual thang and you share each others essence. I ain't mingling!

As far as Anal, Nah but you are supposed to start small, with an anal toy like a Butt plug or something( look it up) and some KY Jelly, Astro Glide. Something like that ain't an everyday thang so you gotta work your way up to the real.

As far a Swallowing the Semen, that's up to you. Some of my Female Friends have shared that they liked the taste, how to improve the taste through diet and exercise and etc but having experience a few great hummers, If a Lady is doing it right you don't care at all if she Swallow. You ain't gonna be thinking about that at all. Now, Super real talk!

Ladies, ask yourself is he married to you? Then no You shouldn't be giving him a hummer anyhow, much less swallowing. Not in the day of AIDS/HIV and all the other STD's. Eff Naw!

Remember Ladies if you let someone in your bed, take the responsibility. Use a Condom Please!

Everybody Stop by my blog!
Mista Jaycee

Jinta said...

that guy friend of yours seems to be engaging in cheap blackmail

personally:

1. anal - a couple of times. if the girl likes it, why not and make sure u strap up

2. swallow - do it if you like but DO NOT kiss me immediately after and until you brush your teeth; not that i will not kiss u after i give oral, but i dont think i will enjoy the taste of my produce

3. Threesome - many times and only with 2 girls but never with a partner, just does not seem right

Moody Crab said...

Happy New Year. I saw your comment on Suga Belly's blog and I just came by to pay my respect. I understand if you dey vex for me but 'na condition wey make crayfish head bend.'

How you doing?

teebay said...

3some?? hey theres luv in sharin
swallowin?? contains lots of nutrients.
backdoor?? ???

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

hahahaha!

This is one post I will not touch. But i surely will read the comments. This is gonna be good....

CaramelD said...

Tell that guy to take a running jump off a cliff!

To all three no thank you!!!

End off!

PS Reading the comments was funny AND informative!

AlooFar said...

Good Heavens! Forgive Smaragd for posting this ;)

You know I'm too clean for this!

InCogNaija said...

u been tagged!! sorry. lol

mypenmypaper said...

Our parents, grand-parents etc didnt do any of the above, and yet mom and dad, grandma and grandpa ate out of each others palms and many are still going strong at old age. We gotta ask them how they did it.

scribble,me.free said...

anal is nasty...dont do it!!!

the threesome is not such a bad idea, but I wouldn't advise it...after my threesome it took a while for me to get back to the point where one woman at a time was enough

swallow!!! yes SWALLOW!!! who doesnt these days anyway. I was once with a girl who spat it back out on me...I never called her again. Besides they say it makes ur hair shine :-P

scribble,me.free said...

i should clear up that 'love' doesn't hinge on any of those things...it's just good sex is all hehe

RocNaija said...

So I only missed this 'cos I hadn't joined blogville when it was posted..
Funny that..
I've had women swallow.. I've had women spit.. I prefer swallow.. but that doesn't count for much if the head ain't worth it in the first place..
Not interested in anal.. wouldn't ask.. and probably wouldn't try if asked..
threesome... hmmm... ffm..? mfm...? depends on the context.. ;-)

Kenn-Knotty said...

Hope lateness to comment is pardonable...Just got my blog started! Clap for me first.

@1...negotiable

@2...should be left for porn stars

@3...entering through the front is enough for me. Anyone who gets in through the back down is a THIEF...no be wetin Bible talk?
And very soon their imagination will drive them to start trying the nostrils.

Kenn-Knotty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kenn-Knotty said...

Hey, just dont like the coincidence of our pictures bin lips...maybe u shd just change urs

Tigeress said...

I have never swallowed before, but for my husband i will SO do it. ki ni big deal?

As for the other 2- HELL TO THE NO!!!!!