Friday, 31 October 2008

Making A Nest

"your roses smell like
- Outkast

Let me share a special skill with you, one that once acquired can guarantee you an infection free bum. Read on...

Required tools:

1. Toilet roll ( a lot)

2. Handwashing liquid (preferably anti-bacterial)

3. Running water

When you enter any relatively clean toilet, especially the one in your office, look around to make sure that the toilet is still within "salvaging" limits. Once that is affirmed, take your toilet roll, wrap a huge wad, spray some hand wash onto it and proceed to wipe the toilet rim clean.

make sure the wad is thick enough for your hand not to touch the toilet.

Once that is done, you pick the toilet roll again and count three leaves, then cut. Lay the three leaves on the long side of the bowl. Count another set of three, cut and lay on the other long side, then cut two leaves for the short, frontal part of the bowl.

This measurement is very accurate for the standard toilet bowl.

The toilet should look very well covered at this point, there should no ceramic in sight.

Next, you roll up another wad of tissue and drop horizontally in the toilet bowl, such that the water that is normally found in the bowl is very well covered.

NOW you can sit on the padded toilet and fire away!

Flush when you are done, I assure you that all the tissue will flush without complications.

Please wash your hands before and after the do.

ADVANTAGES of this procedure:

a. there will be no direct contact with the toilet bowl

b. there is no risk of "splashing" no matter how hard/soft the excreta.

c. one does not need to be uncomfortable using toilets in places like the office or a friend's house.

d. the toilet will most probably smell less after you are done than it would if you had not made a nest.

NOTE of Warning:

I would only do this to a toilet in a semi-trusted place like my office. Would so not try this were I still in OAU!

Come back to thank me later if you never knew this, and if you did, well, share with me anything you feel i left out.

Thank you.


thank you all for your honest contributions to my last post, I apologise if I scared some people.


bumight said...

lol! emphasis on 'I would only do this to a toilet in a semi-trusted place like my office"!

Smaragd said...

drum roll... and she is FIRST! gee Bumight, i just put that post up!

InCogNaija said...

too late wasnt i? lol!
nice manual on the usage of a public lavatory!
You went to OAU?

LusciousRon said...

Nice skillz learnt Will try it soon. Don't mention OAU toilet in the same sentence with clean. Chei!

Smaragd said...

INCOGNAIJA, yep, even after the heads up dude! yes i did

Smaragd said...

LUSCIOUSRON, lmao! damn right.

InCogNaija said...

heads up was a little late. lol!
and speaking of OAU toilet, i can speak for ETF toilets as of 2003, lmao! each room had their own customized toilet and bathroom and it was on point! prolly old story by now
for the rest of the campus, one word...EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! especially moz!

ibiluv said...

i only seat on toilets i trust

i flush BEFORE and AFTER use

i WIPE THOROUGHLY with warm tap water before i be everone get sannitizer......*wink*....

Anonymous said...

am late as well...?*sigh*I am guilty of this ur method o, those wer d skills from high school mehn... only that we used dettol instead

Naapali said...

I do like that Outkast song.

Shubby Doo said...

i do this (sans anti bacterial liquid)...BUT my mother taught me very early that one should squat above the seat and never sit...this way you work the pelvic floor muscles in the process...same ones as used in pilates!

re: putting some toilet sheets inside the bowl prevents splashing 2...good advice...this is especially important if your visit involves a number 2

(I CANNOT BELIEVE I'VE JUST SAID THAT!!!!)...oh well who cares!

Parakeet said...

What...u've been shyting a lot? Anyhoos good advice. Will hold on to it.

isha said...

I was in OAU for like two months, I stayed in MOZ. When I need to Go for real, I'd go to my Aunt's house in Quarters. Lol.

I've known these skills for a long time now. Really helps with peaceful 'dumping'. Squatting is not fun at all, when there's a seat right there you know. Lol.

How are you?

Ladi said...

My roomates used to wonder my toilet 'ceremony' of 'cloroxing' the toilet with anti-bacterial wipes, letting it dry, lining the toilet with tissue, blah, blah.

Did it in secondary school with dettol and tissue.

FFF said...

i got a toilet infection d first time i used a 'clean' toilet in a company. after dat, i no dey take chances oh. i pile d inside full of tissues so there's no risk of d water splashing on me wen d 'thing' drops (ewwww, gross). also do d same wit d toilet seat. but if i can really aviod pooh-poohing outside my home,i really aim 4 dat oh.

FFF said...

in my uni, na 'shotput' dem dey do oh. d most disgusting thing abt it is dat u might enter a toilet & find feases splashed all over d toilet seat & - wait 4 it- walls!!!!!! like jesus! which village did these girls come out 4rm?! it's not enuf dat u dump a water-proof of shit on d floors, u had 2 paint d walls wit it! every morning d cleaning women would swear on top our heads. who knows, some pple might b suffering 4rm all those curses & they'd b wondering now wot is happening to their lives.dem no know say na d thing dem do 4 uni dey follow dem still

Anonymous said...

hilarious! although i generally use more toilet paper to line the ceramic bit.
the anti-splash bit was a very good pointer for which i am grateful :P

miz-cynic said...

Jobless u.teaching us hw 2 use public toilet

Naija Idol said...

LMAO.u shud hold a Phd in "nest making".
At least i learnt sumtin outta it.

badderchic said...

Aunty eyin tu skillful o! lol

step by step guide to nesting.

Anonymous said...


FineBoy Agbero said...

chei! na wa o!

Makin a nest indeed! Nice post sha tho i do d same procedure. I only leave out the wiping with the hand lotion... Next time sha...

Tairebabs said...

LMAO!! Now am learning how to shit healthy on blogville!!! Thanks for the tips jare, I have public toilet phobia so that post was for me.

Doja said...

If I ever need the skill I shall remember you.

NigerianDramaQueen said...

LOL! Thanks for the public toilet manual! I second Bumight, huge emphasis on semi-trusted place! Left to me, the only toilet one should ever even consider sitting on-nest or no nest-is the one in their homes! I even bleach my toilet after guests use it sef. Im very 'anal' about stuff like that sha!

aloted said...

sometimes one flush is not enuff..with all that tissue and number 2 "job"...u might need another flush... ;)

how u doing girl

OluwaDee said...

"Semi-trusted place."
No use trying it elsewhere.

AlooFar said...

SMARAGD! Which kain post be dis?

Tairebabs... now we know something about you ;)

'xcuse me i need to use d loo.

naijalines said...

LMAO @ Tairebabs 'learning to shit healthy on Blogville'. That girl is getting funnier by the minute.

I've been nesting for like 4ever. I nest toliets anywhere outside of my home. I picked a few additional tips though. Thanks.

You dis my aburo sef...making a nest! Most people think babies, you think

uNWrItten* said...

ewwwwww which kin post be
how far babe????

Zena said...

(with a quizzical look on face) ok?

Allied said...

U are a silly bollywood somebody!!! I will print out this manuel and "cellotape" it on the stall doors - so my yeye co-workers should know how it is done!

Funms said...

it shall definitely come in handy.... thanx

mizchif said...

my dear, nice tips. Personally i hate squatting so i generally try 2 avoid using d loo outside my hse.
Lately tho, even in my hse i've had 2 apply extra caution by cloroxing 30mins b4 toilet use since i discoverd drops of urine on d toilet seat left 4 me by my "americana" hsemate & her guests. .
I've never had a UTI b4 & i'm not abt 2 take chances.

Lady Koko said...

I GOTTA GIVE IT TO U..THE THREE LEAF THANG..absolutely precise babe!!!!!!!!!1 FUNNY THINGS..TOILETS..COS I DONT SEAT ON ANY ..I MEAN *any* TOILET....NOT EVEN MY OWN.......AS LONG AS SHIT AND WEE HAVE ONCE UPON A TIME ENETERED I JUST CANT BRING MASELF TOO........its the reason shitting is not a pleasurable experience for me anymore *sigh*

Buttercup said...

This was hilarious! Hehe!

plastiQ said...

By the time you are done cleaning, poo will be running down your legs. OAU toilets were that bad?

Well, we had clean toilets back at UniBen (cleaners on contract from Monday to Friday). Saturdays and Sundays involved massive SHORTPUT-ting.

Thank God my office toilets are sane...tho' we get a dose of some mad man's misuse sometimes